Kiddies, gather round and let me tell you a story.
This is the story of Mr. X and Mr. Y., who lived next to each other in a subdivision. Mr. X lived in a house approximately one hundred times bigger than Mr. Y. Mr. X held parties every night for hundreds of people, drove a SUV/Sherman tank, and kept his lights burning brightly 24/7. Mr. Y had nine kids, drove a used pick-up truck, and he and his wife together managed to scrape through. One day Mr. X appeared at the fence separating their property and called Mr. Y over to pow-wow.

Mr. Y, Mr. X said, I have a problem. You see, I really want to get an SUV/Lear Jet next year � it is the newest thing. But I have to cut down on my living expenses, somehow, to do it. So I�ve decided to cancel my garbage service � it has been costing me a pretty penny! I�ve decided to dump my garbage on your property, instead. With that, Mr. X gave the signal, and his servants hoisted garbage cans and dumped two tons of leftover caviar on Mr. Y�s property.

Now, Kiddies, this is an interactive story! What do you think Mr. Y. said?

a. Well, Mr. X, two years ago you drove me to the bus stop in your SUV/Sherman tank, and that sure was neat! Maybe you�ll give me a ride in your SUV/Lear Jet, huh? if I help out here. What say? So sure, dump that garbage!
Or
b. I�m getting� my gun and gonna blow your ass away.
Or
c. You must think I�m dumb � I�m gonna sue you if you drop even a speck of stinky caviar on my property.

Now, your faithful storyteller used to think that the appropriate response was b, back in the days when he had utopian/revolutionary hopes. Now your storyteller is a middle-aged man with more moderate views � or perhaps he is simply more depressed. So he�d opt for c.

Nobody, I think, would opt for a. Well, nobody except for public policymakers in the US of A., who have unanimously opted for it, from the local to the federal level, for the last thirty years. Those funny guys!

You see, this story illustrates the social cost of doing business. Can you say social cost, kiddies? Now of course there�s a big opaque name for such things � externalities. Notice how that seems so Pentagon gray as a word � it is like those frightening latin words the teacher uses in sex ed, isn�t it? Actually, business here is a bit of a misnomer � as the Soviet Union showed, there are terrific social costs in socialist enterprise too. In fact, they can be higher than in capitalist enterprises. But let�s put that aside for a second � the point here is that Mr. Y is being asked to assume a cost. He has to assume it somehow � with two tons of caviar rotting on his lawn, he has to either pay the garbageman to clean it up, or take refuge from its fumes in a hotel, but he has out of pocket expenses, here.

One of the paradoxes of libertarian oriented defenses of �property rights� is that, as policy, it ends up justifying the degradation of small properties to the benefits of large ones. This comes out of a stubborn refusal to understand or consider scale, and how it effects a social system. (By the way, I call this a paradox to be polite � in fact, the revolutionary/utopian side of me considers that this is an intended outcome, favoring, by means of a childish mystification, the wealthier class over the working class. But, ha ha, I�ve gotten all Clintonian about those things in my middle age, like I said. So I�m just going to say it�s a theoretical glitch, but aren�t we all workin� for the same darn goal?)

Now, let�s take our parable a little further, shall we? Uncle S. comes to Mr. Y., who is standing next to that steaming mound of caviar, and Uncle S. says, hey, I�ve got an idea! You just give me 40 percent of your salary and I�ll clean that mess up tout suite! Which the hapless Mr. Y. does. Now Uncle Sam, he�s a sort of card, and so what does he do with Mr. Y.�s money. Why, first he gives a goodly bit of it to Mr. X. That�s because Uncle Sam has had so many rides in Mr. X�s SUV/Sherman tank that he thinks it�s just natural to help Mr. X get a larger vehicle. Boy, wait till he�s tooling around with Mr. X, Uncle Sam thinks, won�t those female interns go wild! Then he contracts to remove the caviar. You known that Uncle S., though, he has good intentions but somehow things just get in the way. It is hard to say what things, but he doesn�t do exactly the best job of it. He does say that he�s gonna take care of that unsightly pile on a schedule � yessir, in three or four years, or maybe a decade, he�s gonna get rid of it. But it gradually starts rotting into the water supply and such, don�t you know. And then it is sorta invisible, so who really cares? In the meantime, Mr. X saves money by throwing all his garbage out on Mr. Y�s lawn. After a while, Mr. Y., who hasn�t had a raise in years (his boss, Mr. X�s cousin, always says, a raise is the devil�s workshop � why it leads to inflation!) gets a little impatient. Why is Uncle Sam taking such a bite from his paycheck and doing diddly squat?

At this point Mr. X, who, let�s admit it, is a bit of a card himself, appears at the fence again. You are so right about that Uncle S., Mr. X says. He�s taking way too much out of your check, so the thing to do to solve this mess you are in is to get him to stop doing that!

Like I say, Mr. X is canny, and he�s been figuring out his costs again. Although Uncle S. gives him a great deal of support, Mr. X does have to pay Uncle S. a certain amount too � the neighborhood association dues, don�t you know. So when Mr. Y gets a lower rate from Uncle S., so does Mr. X! And by the law of percentages, don�t you know that the chunk going to Mr. X is much bigger than the chunk going to Mr. Y.!

Luckily, there�s an explanation for this � Mr. X is a much more ingenuous guy � why, doesn�t he deserve to harvest the fruits of his ingenuity? With one thing and another, that canny jack of all trades is now making so much money he gets two or three of those great new SUV/Lear Jets.

Oh well. All stories must have an end. In order to drive his vehicle around, Mr. X had to have the roads widened, so Uncle S., with tears in his eyes, condemned Mr. Y�s house and moved him out, lock stock and barrel. So there it is, a bare fact - the road got widened and no more Mr. Y in the neighborhood. Mr. X is kindly disposed, however, so he even got his cousin to put up a toll booth on the road, so that Mr. Y�s wife could get an extra job to help support the family. She also got a badge and a gun, to make sure the gardeners toiling on Mr. X�s land didn�t escape � turned out a goodly percentage of them had intoxicated themselves with terrible chemicals! INEXPLICABLE, ain�t it � given the beauty of reality and all, with towering purple mountain�s majesty of rotting caviar for all to see! People who escape reality, as Mr. X explained to Mrs. Y, have it coming. (Mr. X then pulled out a fine little softcore porn tape and invited Mrs. Y to see it with him in the master bedroom). So - All�s well that ends well! And Mr. Y is doing just fine in a
smaller trailer � he didn�t need that property of his, after all!

Kiddies, tomorrow I�m going to explain the deeper meaning of my story. Till then � this is the Editor.